Friday, November 1, 2013

I am NOT a Runner

It goes without saying, I feel like everyone I know is a runner. People LOVE to run! Well, here I am to burst the bubble. I am not a runner.  I have decided to come up with the Top 10 Reasons I am not a runner. (In no particular order)

1.  I do not get a "runner's high".
     Allegedly, there is this "high" that runners experience and their mind frees and they feel no pain. Nope. Sure don't.   Here is what I think/feel as I run.  Pain.  The pain isn't immediate, its more like with 1.5 minutes, maybe more, maybe less.  Within a short period of time the pain starts. The pain is not in my knees or hips...but my FEET.  From my ankles down through my feet and before I know it, I have this painful tingling sensation in my feet.  I have tried so many kinds of shoes. I pay WAY TOO much money for running shoes and not one pair has been the exception.  I have "pushed" through this pain in hopes that I will become the runner I have always wanted to be...but by the end my ankles and feet have locked up and once I stop they become almost impossible to move.  Any suggestions? I wish I got that runners "high" would be way more pleasant than the dead feet.

2. My form is terrible.
    Since my form is terrible...that is probably why my feet hurt. I am sure its something to see...this 6 footer with way too much sweater meat running.  Hence, I do not run.  I will run, then I see a car coming and I stop.  Heaven forbid someone see this sight and make fun of me, to themselves in their car. I was compared to a chicken while I ran.  I was 10...I haven't forgotten. I am scarred.  Something about my form also makes me sound like a Clydesdale horse clomping down the side walk. 

3. My Thighs touch.
    When I run, my thighs touch. I have a fear the friction of my pants rubbing together will start a fire.  (ok, I know that wont happen, but it is still a scary thought) 

4. Sweater Meat.
     What's Sweater Meat you ask?  Boobs. Classy, huh? Boobs on a blog. But it's the cold hard truth. I have entirely too much sweater meat. I have to wear like 3 bras if I am going to go running. That is, unless I want a black eye and back pain.  Although, a black eye would be a good story. I would come up with some totally BA story about how I was in a bar fight with a biker chick. What? You can't see me holding my own against some Bikers "Ol' Lady".  Man, y'all have no confidence in me ;)

5. Smoker's Cough.
    I feel like I have smoked 10 packs of cigs when I run.  I know, in through your nose, out through your mouth.  But listen, when I am running and I am desperately just trying to keep in motion I am breathing a 1000 lb man rushing to get the chocolate cake before it goes in the trash. Not pretty.  Nothing else makes me breath like this...not elliptical, stair-mill, aerobics, dancing...nothing. Its my lungs are being stabbed. My heart won't even be racing, yet my lungs feel like knives are taking up residence.

6. Fear of treadmills.
    You can't run outside year round. Well, you can. But I am not one of those crazy people who gets all jazzed about running outside when its cold or 195 degrees out.  I am terrified of running on a treadmill, for many reasons.  One, form and the fact that I sound like a Clydesdale. But more importantly, I don't want to lose my balance and go flying off the back. In my own home, fine. In a gym...I die.  I would be that person that as I am falling would shout naughty 4 letters words. Everyone would look at me and I would have to leave never to return. No thanks.

7. People break things/injuries.
    I know LOTS of people who have broken bones while running or ended up with gnarly injuries. Their run cost them extensive medical nope.   If I am gonna break some thing or tear something...I need a dang good reason for it. Running for my health and in turn getting hurt seems counter productive. Not to mention I could come up with a million other things to spend money on before medical bills.

8. Boring.
    I honestly get bored while I run. Even with music cranking. Running doesn't keep my attention for very long. Probably why I enjoy circuit cardio/strength work outs.  How on Earth did Forrest Gump just keep running? Snoooooozer

9. I don't know how to pace myself.
    This probably ties in with #8.  I just like to get started really fast and get it done. More bang for your buck right? If I slow down I look like one of those people who run like they are a DVD on slow motion. How do they call that running? I walk faster than that...maybe they were prancing?

10. Runners still have bad health.
I know plenty of runners who still fall over in cardiac arrest, have high BP and are overweight. I thought this whole "yogging" phenomenon was supposed to make you healthy? If you still have these health issues...why subject yourself to the torture? (ok, I know its not torture for everyone. But it sure is for me).

I am open to suggestions. Unless your suggestion is something profound like 'just stick with it'.  I have tried that and even in my peak of fitness running was HARD and PAINFUL for me.  

On another note- I have FINALLY hit the 20 pounds down mark!  I am losing weight in important areas,  you know...fingers, elbows and ankles.   One day my stomach will get the memo and shrink.  I have 30 ish more pounds until I am at goal. Whew...I better get on it!  


  1. We are clearly related. If you see me running please call 911, something is after me!

    1. For sure! That almost made the list!!!

  2. I've always said I run like Pheobe from Friends. I have tried and I think it is just not meant for everyone. I can Zumba though!! And I get the boob stuff and was laughing hysterically! I can relate. -Kristy Magee

    1. For sure Kristy! Glad you enjoyed and can relate! Its nice knowing I am not alone..